Sobriety in less than 18 hours

This is really happening. Plus my cat appears blind, or doesn't quite make eye contact. She now looks in my general direction.

This is a lot to handle at once...wish me luck. Continuing to binge on Vanderpump Rules and yes I'm heterosexual. Maybe when I'm sober I won't watch this show. Granted I'm behind, but Shay just asked Sheana to marry him...awww.

Your cat has days, weeks or months - but not years

So there's that from the vet. Plus her eyes are completely dilated, her head slightly tilted to the right and she's lost interest in eating. This isn't really helping, and am making the most of my final three (3) days, with her by my side.

750 ml

of Skyy...almost gone. It's taken...9 hours? I know consciously tomorrow will suck, but it feels good for now. Need to somehow leapfrog tomorrow's inevitable just-kill-me feeling to the 72 hours post-withdrawal, much-better feeling.

Hopefully visiting my parents for Christmas will help with that.

Christ.

The slide continues

Another day of making the "most" of my final two weeks. I look terrible. Feel buzzed I guess even though I'm prolly at least double the legal limit. Just can't quite get to that "drunk" feeling. I guess this is the 1 is too many, 10 is not enough philosophy my ex told me about. Truer words were never spoken. 

Want to take my Ambien now at 4:06 CT because then at least for 5 or 10 minutes I *will* feel very buzzed, but then ltfo. And, my pizza guy might be locked out. 

A week ago I was like...drinking...meh. But that was after a few days of not drinking. I consciously know the hardest part is getting thru the first day. And then the second. For me, anyway, it does get easier after that. Except for random Friday nights and bad days at work. Work...sigh.

Even if I was sober...what does that mean? Waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed...applying for jobs via Taleo (kill me) and never hearing back from anyone. Even people I interview w/ in-person where I think I killed it in the interview. All very discouraging. 

Oh and the last interview I had...I failed because I vocalized - after being asked - that I thought it was weird people in the South pray before Chamber of Commerce luncheons. 

Time to give my cat more meds. She's looking up. Poor girl will probably have a permanent head tilt after her stroke or whatever it was.

Peace.

So...

Tried a sober Monday. Worked til about lunch. Sounds like I'm making excuses and I prolly am, but it is what it is. 

Hard to write what I really feel, because I'm sure whatever I write will be turned around on me at some point, and make getting a job harder than it already is. And of course, if I had a job I would drink a lot less if at all. 

Back to South Park.

Drinking like a fish

And why not? I'm going to quit drinking in 2016 so might as well go out with a bang, right? Let me try and articulate what I'm feeling right now, as I imbibe. 

I don't look as good. Face slightly bloated...will be worse tomorrow. 

Jeans I used to need a belt for now require no belt.

I'm thirsty and dehydrated.

I'm inadvertently brushing up against my gut where maybe that wasn't happening a few days ago. 

Still adjusting to my new *very* single status. 

Finally heard back from those two employers whose cities I visited. They are going to keep looking for candidates.

I'm very alone in the South. Nothing against the South, but there just aren't too many college educated *AND* single people here. Not too many folks with whom I can relate. Vodka somehow numbs that emptiness. Temporarily.

When I first moved down here, my friends who are from The South told me people would be real outgoing-like and invite to me church. That literally has never happened. Not that I would go, but the invite itself never came. 

Back to watching Vanderpump Rules. Hope I can stay awake for Conor McGregor v. Jose Aldo fight as well.

Bonding with a boss who doesn't drink

Not sure how to do it. I failed miserably at my last attempt. 

I do a lot of Netflix and chill after work. He pretty much did everything but. He also thought Obama wanted everybody dependent on the government. So pretty much we had nothing in common. Shortly thereafter, I was fired...so there's that.

Judgmental Southern Pharmacists

While I generally like living in the South, what irritates the fuck out of me are these judgmental Alabama pharmacists. Even when I *get* the legitimate in-state prescription, because they don't "feel comfortable" filling my legit out-of-state prescription, now they "don't feel comfortable" actually filling the fucking thing because of the "interactions" with my other meds. Hi, thank you for treating me like a 5 year-old. While I may also have a Xanax or Ambien prescription, you can go ahead and fill my Norco because guess what? I don't take them all at once.

But now they are going to have to consult my doctor, because he doesn't "feel comfortable" filling the Norco script. Swear to fucking God that's when I hate this place. In California, they look at your history, see that you haven't yet killed yourself, and fill the fucking Norco prescription. Why? Because they can see you're an adult.

Just blowing off steam...back to your life.

Cat had a stroke today...

and the prospective employer I was waiting to hear back from said "they're going to keep looking" so...on days like this I'm sure glad it's still 2015.

Trying to fill out-of-state painkiller prescriptions in Alabama...

Good luck with that! After much trial and error, I I have found a workaround to doing this...it just involved miles and miles of trying to find a friendly pharmacy. Apparently Vicodin is pretty abused in the South. Docs have informed me Alabama is the #1 addicted state. That puts those of us with legit back problems in the "guilty until proven innocent" category. 

At least literally all of the pharmacies here are drive-thru, so when the pharmacist takes a look at your California prescription, consults the (usually woman) in the white coat, and comes back to break the news that the pharmacist "doesn't feel comfortable filling this," you can minimize the humiliation by gently pressing on the accelerator. 

However, great news for once: After months of scheduling and rescheduling appointments to a "pain clinic," the doctor just informed me I'm the real deal, and now have a legit local prescription. They also detected benzos, so I guess I need a local script for that now too.

I should celebrate w/ a drink or something, being that I will be quitting alcohol in 2015. However, Noon seems too early. That and it's Tuesday.

Bad relationship...not helping

Quitting a really dysfunctional relationship at the same time presents added challenges. Like quitting drinking.

Preamble

As the date stamp on this might suggest, it's December 3rd, 2015. While I drive a nice car and live in a nice apartment, I'm not happy with where my life is. When I drink, I forget for awhile, but remember all to well in the morning. The mornings make me...sad. And more depressed.

"Please meet me down at HR" are six words you don't want to hear during your workday...especially when you've relocated across the country for a new position. While those words certainly didn't help a casual resolution to drink less, they did (eventually) cause some forced reflection. 

I will continue to imbibe this month, although now I'm picking my spots. Random Tuesdays used to be a spot. 

At midnight on December 31st, I hope to be drunk and amongst friends, at which time I'll begin pounding Smartwaters and not look back. I've never been to a meeting so I'm not sure if this is accepted as fact, but water seems to enhance the buzz.

In any case, I've given up alcohol for the last five Lents or so. In 2014 I gave it up for 100 days. I think now I'm ready for something more aggressive. 

I'll be documenting my "journey" here in case it's of interest to anyone. If it's not, I'll call it a journal. Wish me luck.