Still going...although it sucks

But I think that's more tied to an overall depression, and dealing with job applications and the suck that is Taleo (I copied that from someone else on the web). If filling out job applications with Taleo doesn't cause someone to relapse, I'm not sure what will.

I think it's been 11 or 12 days since I've written anything. Have been largely uninspired, and have been racking up major hours playing COD Advanced Warfare. Very unproductive really, but at the end of the day it's another day I haven't drank alcohol (drunk alcohol?)  

Trying to figure out how to get this blog in front of more eyeballs. Not sure, so I'll keep plugging away.  Wow this was a really boring post. My apologies.

Had to put the cat down

A crushing experience. Would like to numb the pain so badly, but I can't. So guess I have to just embrace it. Today really sucks.

Quitting drinking and quality of sleep

Knock on wood, and I'll probably suffer interminable insomnia for writing this, but it seems my quality of sleep is a lot better w/o drinking. For instance, I've only been sober a week and I actually dream. Like, really vivid dreams. Granted, one of those dreams had me messing up and accidentally tasting alcohol on my lips last night, but that's probably part of the process. I also have a slight headache from probably sleeping more than my body's used to. Or the vet bills I'm incurring. Either way, wanted to jot that thot down while I'm thinking of it.

To put the cat down, or not to put the cat down?

Whatever decision I make will have to be a sober one. So will the aftermath have to be. This will prove challenging.

This is really hard

Esp. after the New Year's bender

Sobriety in less than 18 hours

This is really happening. Plus my cat appears blind, or doesn't quite make eye contact. She now looks in my general direction.

This is a lot to handle at once...wish me luck. Continuing to binge on Vanderpump Rules and yes I'm heterosexual. Maybe when I'm sober I won't watch this show. Granted I'm behind, but Shay just asked Sheana to marry him...awww.

Your cat has days, weeks or months - but not years

So there's that from the vet. Plus her eyes are completely dilated, her head slightly tilted to the right and she's lost interest in eating. This isn't really helping, and am making the most of my final three (3) days, with her by my side.

750 ml

of Skyy...almost gone. It's taken...9 hours? I know consciously tomorrow will suck, but it feels good for now. Need to somehow leapfrog tomorrow's inevitable just-kill-me feeling to the 72 hours post-withdrawal, much-better feeling.

Hopefully visiting my parents for Christmas will help with that.

Christ.

The slide continues

Another day of making the "most" of my final two weeks. I look terrible. Feel buzzed I guess even though I'm prolly at least double the legal limit. Just can't quite get to that "drunk" feeling. I guess this is the 1 is too many, 10 is not enough philosophy my ex told me about. Truer words were never spoken. 

Want to take my Ambien now at 4:06 CT because then at least for 5 or 10 minutes I *will* feel very buzzed, but then ltfo. And, my pizza guy might be locked out. 

A week ago I was like...drinking...meh. But that was after a few days of not drinking. I consciously know the hardest part is getting thru the first day. And then the second. For me, anyway, it does get easier after that. Except for random Friday nights and bad days at work. Work...sigh.

Even if I was sober...what does that mean? Waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed...applying for jobs via Taleo (kill me) and never hearing back from anyone. Even people I interview w/ in-person where I think I killed it in the interview. All very discouraging. 

Oh and the last interview I had...I failed because I vocalized - after being asked - that I thought it was weird people in the South pray before Chamber of Commerce luncheons. 

Time to give my cat more meds. She's looking up. Poor girl will probably have a permanent head tilt after her stroke or whatever it was.

Peace.

So...

Tried a sober Monday. Worked til about lunch. Sounds like I'm making excuses and I prolly am, but it is what it is. 

Hard to write what I really feel, because I'm sure whatever I write will be turned around on me at some point, and make getting a job harder than it already is. And of course, if I had a job I would drink a lot less if at all. 

Back to South Park.