Big Tests coming up

Memorial Day Weekend is a 3-day weekend where I'm normally loaded. Or get that way fast. I mean sun, pool, summer kickoff...and I'm not going to drink? This is gonna get weird fast.

And my Birthday is in another month...and I'll be forced to spend it with someone who normally drives me to drink. She's going to get real offended if I don't drink with her. "It's your BIRTHDAY" she'll scream. "I'm not toasting you by myself!" And she'll have a point I guess. There have been three times I've taken a polite sip of something, just so people don't go slapping labels on me. I might have to do that again.

If anyone has any advice, I'm all ears.

Happy Memorial Day everyone.

Quitting alcohol during an election year

Real dumb...Donald Trump and sobriety don't go together.

4 months down, 8 to go.

Four (4) Months Sober

On January 3rd, at the tag end of New Year's Day Weekend, I took my last drink. One of probably at least a dozen I'd had from that day. My goal was to give up drinking for a year. I'm 1/3 of the way there, with some really hard parts to come. 

I'd been mentally preparing for this day for weeks...months maybe. So when I walked out to the empty 1.75 ml Skyy Bottle sitting atop the kitchen counter the next day, I had mixed feelings. On the one hand I was excited to embark on this new lifestyle. On the other hand I knew I was going to miss my old friend, and have to suffer through the "what the hell do I do now" times of the day...usually 4:00 p.m. onward.

And sure enough, those times and hours did arrive. While I was cleaning up and getting  ready to recycle everything, I thoughtfully drained the last four (4) drops of vodka into my palette before formally chucking the bottle. After all, I had heard somewhere that quitting cold turkey was bad for you, so I'm sure those four drops gave me new kind of life.

So here it is - May 4th. Four long months without a drink. Some observations in no particular order:

1) I sleep better

2) I look healthier

3) I feel healthier

4) My clothes are looser

5) I wake up hangover-free every morning. In fact morning is usually my favourite time of the day.

6) I can drive anywhere I want...day or night. Legally.

7) I socialize less

8) I go to bars less / not at all.

9) I don't get as euphoric as those magical 20-30 minutes after knocking back my first Skyy/Soda, but I also don't get as down the next day.

10) I'm saving tons of money at the ABC Store. As in, I don't go to that depressing store anymore. Not only is alcohol wayyyyy overpriced in this part of the country (sin taxes...God help me if I smoked too). But you just feel like a loser even being inside.

11) My problems are still there. Drinking or not drinking - I'm still looking for work. Nothing comes easily or quickly at  my current pay scale. Although I'm probably appearing healthier on Skype interviews. It sucks not being able to escape my problems the way I used to though. I do miss the tonic alcohol used to provide in that capacity.

12) I make better food decisions

13) I play a *lot* more Xbox. I have a very active / anxious mind and need to be mentally challenging myself a lot. Video games have become so sophisticated since the Atari days, that it now serves as my only competitive outlet.

14) I have less tolerance for toxic people. When we were both being toxic together, it was fun. Now she just gets annoying and abusive. In fact, I think we're broken up for good. While a part of me misses her, the sober, rational part knows it's for the best.

15) I'm less active on Twitter

16) It doesn't bother me to be around people who drink. Flying home for Easter presented all kinds of triggers and habits I could've easily fallen back to, but nursing on my Smart Water got me through it. 

17) I sweat a little less...except when on the treadmill.

18) I still get mad at people/events. However I say/text/email fewer regrettable things.

This is what I can think of now. I'm sure more will come to me. In case anyone read this blog...feel free to share yours.

In a horrible mood

Coincidentally, I haven't worked out since Friday. Today is Monday. Some people can do that and feel normal. Apparently I'm not one of them.

The South is Beautiful

Just like to take a minute to acknowledge how beautiful it is here in the spring. Everything is so green and lush...like being on a different planet when compared with California. You really get a feel for it when watching shows like Rectify and The Walking Dead and other Georgia-shot productions. I didn't know what to expect when I moved here...I was told it would be hot and humid and full of racists. Well, yes it gets really uncomfortable in the summer...ain't gon' lie. But it's also spectacularly gorgeous. We have racists in California too.

And as far as beaches go, the gulf with its clear water, hot/humid winds and cumulonimbus clouds blowing across the sky like it's nothing, is unlike anything I've ever seen, including Hawaii. I hope one day I can buy a condo somewhere along the "Redneck Riviera."

"Have you lost weight?"

Finally. The key motivator for quitting alcohol in 2016 − vanity − *finally* kicked in this week at my monthly pain clinic visit. The nurse right away was like...have you lost weight? Since I did away with the zig-zag fruitlessness of daily weigh-ins a couple of years ago, I might as well use the ol' pain clinic as some kind of journal. Well I stepped on, and eight pounds lighter from March, and 15 lbs lighter for the year. 

Other factors that may be at play, I quit swimming, and swapped in walking briskly on a treadmill, at a 4 percent incline and "3.2" whatever that number entails.

Gotta be honest...that felt great. I really don't even want to talk about it too much for fear of jinxing my progress, so I'll shut up now.

Happy Friday.

New Addiction: World of Tanks

I really, really suck at WOT, but it's great fun. And I think it's cool so many people are into a game about relatively ancient combat vehicles.

I held on - no drinking

Didn't have a drink last night, although I wanted one bad (I realize it's "badly" but this is how people talk in the south). I did take a Xanax and a Norco (both legally prescribed) but a drink would've much better hit the spot.

However now it's Saturday morning and I just stepped off the treadmill after 60 minutes of walking at a brisk pace and sweating to death.

I'm going to play fetch with my kitten (she chases and retrieves hair ties for real).

If anyone reads this, thanks for doing so. Can't wait for my first comment.

Peace.

Powerful Urge to Drink

It's early evening on a Friday night. Everything I hoped this week would be, turned out not to be. Everyone and everything is pissing me the fuck off. The temptation to say fuck it and pour myself a Skyy & soda is palpable. I have the ingredients a room away. I'm going to try and fight through this, and it might require a Xanax. 

Bottom line - I still don't have anything to celebrate, and abandoning my resolve at a low point might feel good in the short run, but will ultimately make things worse, right?

FML.

Why do recruiters just disappear?

At first they blow up my phone. Are all-too-accommodating as we schedule the first interview, the second interview, the Skype interview, the in-person interview. Then...*poof* they disappear. No more updates, no callbacks. I don't exist.

Look...recruiters. We get it...you're busy. But if you know a candidate has given his or her all, studied the company, thrown on a tie or dress, jumped through all the hoops done all the interviews, they probably want to know what's next. If the client has decided to move on with other candidates, TELL THEM THAT. If it's been two weeks and you haven't heard from the client, same thing. Even if there is no update, THAT'S the update. 

This really isn't hard. Keep people informed. Provide feedback. If we did something wrong, say so. If you have constructive criticism, we'd love to hear it. We're all trying to learn.

When we check in two weeks later looking for an update, just provide one. Even if there isn't one. 

Off my soapbox.

100 Days Sober

Even though I'm still jobless it feels much better overall. My face has some contour and shape to it again, my clothes are looser, my alcohol-induced distended belly is largely gone and my mornings are hangover-free. Overall, I feel and look better.

That's not to imply I'm in-shape, because I have about 40 lbs to go. And that includes belly fat. In fact I've lost remarkably little weight, but again, things fit better so not sure what's going on. I know at my heaviest and most bloated I was 263.5. That was in 2013. Today I'm ~ 240. Goal: 200. Height is 6'3".

The thought of alcohol doesn't really appeal to me right now. I know on previous bouts of giving it up (Lent) I would still crave it. Even dream about it. But with a goal of quitting alcohol in 2016, it's a little different. I may or may not make it, but I have so far. 100 days down, 265 to go. Or something.

Dating a crazy girl while being sober is really, really hard.

That's all I've got.

Replacing alcohol with...ice cream?

First of all let's just establish ice cream cannot replace alcohol. That said, I am not a sweet tooth. At all. But this year I've probably consumed more ice cream (Haagen Dazs - chocolate and peanut butter to be exact) than I have in my entire life combined. I probably average 2-3 pints a week. 

Does anyone know why this is, or why this could be? I continue to exercise so please don't get the impression I'm sitting around stuffing my face all day. But as far as cravings go...it's very real.

Anyway - it's April. 3 months down. Have a couple of job leads...will see those through. Hope everyone is doing well.

Back from the land of temptation

Just back from my homeland out west. Triggers everywhere, drinking friends everywhere. Staying sober was weird but not impossible. I think it made others feel more awkward than it did me. Thought about caving, but then I'd be letting my zero (0) readers down. And myself.

Lost another whole pound last month. Actually tested negative for a controlled substance today. Normally that would be good, but at a pain clinic that's bad. They are going to send to the lab to confirm. So much for taking those exact drugs YESTERDAY. Maybe I need to ease up on my water intake. I average more than a gallon a day.

If anyone reads this, reply with a "." so I can detect a pulse.

Two months in

Doesn't really feel like a huge deal. Then again, I have avoided some social situations where I would normally drink, just to get some time under my belt. What am I realistically going to do at happy hour with a group of people? Yes I can drink soda water w/ lime for awhile, but my tolerance for people while sober isn't what it is when I drink. Drinking makes people more interesting to me. Either interesting or tolerable.

Continue to look for work and deal with flaky recruiters. Recruiters are all over your shit up until the interview. If the interviewer wants to go in a different direction after that, good luck on getting that update from a recruiter. Recruiters are basically worthless. I'm waiting on one to prove me wrong.

Off to the pool.

Replacing one addiction with another

I believe I'm definitely doing that. The other "addiction" used to be a part-time pastime, in the form of Call of Duty Advanced Warfare. Granted I'm a year late to that party, but it's all new to me. Since I've begun playing on December 20, 2015 I've racked up 5 days and something like 12 hours of playing time. So in other words, in a little over two months, I've spend 5 straight days playing video games. 

Granted, I'm still sober so I'm going to just cut myself some slack there. Yes, I still take Ambien every night (and Adderall 2x day) so Rome wasn't built in a day, but I haven't had alcohol since New Years.

I'm convinced these words will forever go unread but in case I'm wrong, what are your least favorite maps on Call of Duty Advanced Warfare?  I really only have one - Horizon. I just can't seem to get off on that map. Bleak colors and uninspiring map design. Plus I just kind of suck at it. The best map is Riot IMHO.

Less prolific sober

The occasional journal entry, but otherwise just grinding. When I drank I felt compelled to write down every dumb thing that popped into my head. Can see why so many writers are drunks.

One month - 1 lb. weight loss?

So...that was discouraging. Had my pain doc appt today. Weighed a POUND less than a month ago. Granted I haven't been swimming religiously per usual, but I have had a few workouts. This must just be age, because historically quitting drinking leads to substantial weight loss for me. Keep grinding.

Still going...although it sucks

But I think that's more tied to an overall depression, and dealing with job applications and the suck that is Taleo (I copied that from someone else on the web). If filling out job applications with Taleo doesn't cause someone to relapse, I'm not sure what will.

I think it's been 11 or 12 days since I've written anything. Have been largely uninspired, and have been racking up major hours playing COD Advanced Warfare. Very unproductive really, but at the end of the day it's another day I haven't drank alcohol (drunk alcohol?)  

Trying to figure out how to get this blog in front of more eyeballs. Not sure, so I'll keep plugging away.  Wow this was a really boring post. My apologies.

Had to put the cat down

A crushing experience. Would like to numb the pain so badly, but I can't. So guess I have to just embrace it. Today really sucks.

Quitting drinking and quality of sleep

Knock on wood, and I'll probably suffer interminable insomnia for writing this, but it seems my quality of sleep is a lot better w/o drinking. For instance, I've only been sober a week and I actually dream. Like, really vivid dreams. Granted, one of those dreams had me messing up and accidentally tasting alcohol on my lips last night, but that's probably part of the process. I also have a slight headache from probably sleeping more than my body's used to. Or the vet bills I'm incurring. Either way, wanted to jot that thot down while I'm thinking of it.

To put the cat down, or not to put the cat down?

Whatever decision I make will have to be a sober one. So will the aftermath have to be. This will prove challenging.

This is really hard

Esp. after the New Year's bender